Blog post

Start Where You Are

December 13, 2017

Well, if yesterday’s angst-laden post was any indication, I haven’t been feeling so hot lately.

Nope, the last week or so hasn’t been great. Not the worst, but not the best.

I’ve been twenty kinds of anxious. Like it said, it’s just radiating through me. And I don’t know how to make it stop.

I really want to make it stop.

I feel like I’m at another turning point (breaking point?). Sure, that could be the feeling of a year wrapping up and a new one starting, but it feels like more than that.

OK, let’s take inventory:

— Christmas holidays historically haven’t been my favourite. It’s not uncommon for me to feel stressed, low, or reflective around this time.

I’m off my routine. I haven’t been eating well or exercising regularly. I’ve been out more (connecting and venturing, that’s great!) but that’s meant less time to read and make.

— My sleep is seriously out of whack. It started with those flashbacks a few months ago, and now I’m finding myself persistently tired, sleeping longer than normal, and having a really hard time getting up in the mornings. That could be down to diet and exercise (see above) or anxiety, or Resistance, or ???

— I’ve gone back to see my therapist which has been great, but means I’ve been doing a lot of what I’ll call emotional work. Crack it open. Burn it own. Stand in ashes. There’s been a whole lot of that, recently. It’s exactly what I need to move forward but exhausting. Maybe that’s why I’m so tired?

— I remembered a couple things from my childhood I’d completely blocked out. It’s deeply unsettling to suddenly vividly recall a scene of abuse that up until 5 minutes ago, you were blissfully unaware of. Especially when it correlates with fears you’ve held you’re whole life, and now you see why.

I’ve been stressed about money and work. My self-employment income isn’t where I wanted it to be by the end of this year. What should I be pursuing? Will that take away from the creative stuff I want to do? Or will it help take the pressure off? I’m thinking about taking on some new kinds of work in January and taking some con-ed courses to support it. But… how to decide? How to make the right decision?

— I’m in a new relationship and while overall it’s been good, there’s definitely anxiety there. It’s highlighted some things I need to work on, like that overwhelming need to know if it’s right or not from the start. Living in the moment is hard. Welcoming someone new in my life while maintaining my routine, my sense of self, doing all this personal work… is hard.

— There’s another big conversation I need to have with them before the year is over. It should be fine (it’ll be fine) but it’s weighing on me. The results of that conversation will directly influence some choices I’m looking at next year.

— I want to move soon so I’m looking at areas and going through the whole budgeting thing, which isn’t helping my money stress.

— I’m behind on redoing my two websites and the videos I wanted to be making by the end of the year. I’m behind on knitting my sweater. And I haven’t started drawing yet. I’m not where I imagined I’d be by the end of the year. I’m not who I imagined I’d be.

Alright, so, Ya. There’s a fair bit going on here.

I’m going to let this sit with me and tomorrow I’ll come back to start thinking on what I can do about it.

If you hope to change something, you have to start by acknowledging where you are.

Right?


Photo of Sam the Chandelier Man’s shop in Parkdale, Toronto a few months ago. Because this is how my brain feels. 

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